More Easy Ways to Lose Your Family Court Case

The Impression You Make is Very Important

One of the most popular pages on this site is the one that sets out 10 sure-fire ways to anger a judge or otherwise blow your family court case. Those all remain true. However, more people trying to represent themselves and more court appearances are happening over Zoom. So, there are now even more ways for people to lose a Family Law case that they should have won.

Few events are more important to people’s lives than family court appearances.  How a judge decide can set the direction for the rest of lives of the people in the courtroom.  I have attended many court appearance over more than 25 years practicing in Family Court. In addition, I have sat a court appointed Dispute Resolution Officer. I have repeatedly seen people lose their case by making a bad impression with the judge. Even good and nice people do that. So, in this page I go over some easy-to-avoid mistakes that can lose a Family Court Case.

1 – Making Faces in Court

Carefully consider what message your body language and your appearance sends to the judge. 

People separate from their spouses for a reason.  And then they end up in family court, rather than resolving their matters another way, for a reason.   That is often because they have strong feelings about each other.  Often those strong feelings relate to improper actions, untruthful comments, or bad judgment of the other party.   It can be hard to listen to what an ex says without reacting.    So, often parties roll their eyes, or make faces or perform other gestures in the courtroom – or on the court videoconference.

Doing so is a big mistake.

Except in long trials, which people want to avoid because of the incredible cost, judges do not get to spend much time with the parties in the case.  Judges will not preside over cases that involve people they know personally.   Even in trial, the judge only gets to see someone speak to the court in the witness box, which is a very unnatural environment.   But most of the time, judges only get to read what people have to say.  And if the parties have good lawyers, those words can be heavily filtered to hide the party’s less desirable traits. 

So, for every case, judges draw a lot of conclusions about who the people are in the courtroom by how they behave. Judges draw even strong conclusions from peoples behavior when they do not think the judge is paying attention.

Remember that is most courtrooms,  the judges sit up high, facing the parties and their position on the dais gives them a good view of what is going on.   So, they can see how the parties look, and what they do, and how they react to what the other side says.   People need to be VERY conscious of their body language at all times to give the right impression.   That is even more important in video conference court, where usually people are closer to their camera than they would be a judge in the courtroom.

Judges may base their entire decision about the character of a party, and even their credibility, based on what the judge sees in the courtroom – especially when the other side is talking, and especially when the other side is saying something that a party does not like.   If a party looks angry in the courtroom, it is easy for a judge to believe that person has a temper, and maybe even that the person is the type of person who could commit family violence or do vindictive things.   Eye rolls can suggest that the person is disrespectful, or dismissive of the concerns of others.   Someone who shakes, or jumps up and down, or grabs at their lawyer, or can’t keep quiet looks out of control. People who are out of control may not obey court orders, at least not without strong enforcement measures.   People who yell out can just look mentally ill.   People who cower and cry may look helpless, or unable to look after themselves. 

To win your case, make sure you look like a nice person – the type of person the judge would want to have as a friend. Remember if your ex acts crazy the judge can see that. You do not have to act crazy too. No matter what your ex does, make sure you are the person the judge wants to help, not hate.

2 – Dressing Inappropriately

Once when I was in child protection court, where the judge was deciding whether a mother’s kids should stay in foster care. The mom showed up to court in a bikini.  She thought that the judge would appreciate the show of skin and find her way.   The judge was not impressed.   The kids stayed in foster care.  There were other factors that influenced that decision. However, the mother’s judgment in how she looked in court was a big factor.

That’s an extreme case, but there are others where a person’s attire had an impact, but not what the person wanted.

In another case, the wife showed up in court, claiming she was destitute and reliant on government benefits. She argued that she was desperate for spousal support.  But on her arm was a new Louis Vetton carpet bag, worth several thousand dollars.   She wanted to show her style to everyone on the way to the courtroom, and did not think the judge would notice. The judge did.  It hurt her credibility and her claims that she was desperate for money, and maybe even her judgment with respect to how she used her money.

Courtrooms are theatre.   Dress the part of the person you want the judge to see.   But, be careful not to make it apparent that you are being deceitful.   If you are a successful business person, then dress professionally.  Showing up in sweat pants tyring o look poor will go over badly if the evidence the judge can see show you are not.   But, don’t wear lots of flashy new styles if oyu are saying that money is tight after separation,. 

Your lawyer can give you advice about what to wear.  But, not matter what, make sure you dress respectfully.   If how you dress says that you have no respect for the judge, the judge is not likely to respect you either. 

3 – Relying on the lighting in your home for court videoconferences

I have said a lot about how importance your appearance is when you are in court and controlling what message you are sending to the judge.    Once, I was in child protection court with some parents who were accused of child abuse.   They did not abuse their children.   They had some excellent evidence on their side.  But, when they showed up for court by video conference, they sat in a dark room, with the light coming up from below.  They looked like ghouls.   The appearance was terrifying. It was easy for a judge to see that these people who looked like monsters could be the type of monsters that abused their kids.

That was an easily avoidable situation.  I had actually told them to make sure they had good lighting when they appeared by video conference.    Court is important.  The apperances, including videoconference appearances, can have big impact on the rest of the lives of parties.  With so much at stake, it is worth going to a good camera store and getting some professional advice on lighting to make yourself look good.   Even just a good ring light can make a big difference.  But, carefully planned lighting can make you  look angelic.  Other lighting effects can give other impressions.  Like how you dress, lighting for videoconference court appearing matters.  A lot.

4 – Telling the Judge that he or She Has Made a Mistake

No matter how much you do not like what the judge is saying.  No matter how much you think the judge missed an important fact or consideration.   Do not tell the jduge off, or suggest that the judge is wrong.  Judges have been given the legal authority to make the decision.  Their decision is, by law, correct, unless an appeal court decides otherwise.    Judges, like most people, do not like being told that they are wrong.  But, unlike most people, they have legal powers to punish people who they think are acting inappropriately. 

There may be ways to suggest to a judge that he or she look at things again, or consider something that the judge may have overlooked.  But, that is a real skill.   Only the best lawyers can pull that off.   And, often the best lawyers can pull that off because that lawyer has the respect, and trust, of the judge.  A party whom the judge does not know does not have the rapport with the jduge, or the credibility to get away with it.  Then the person yelling at the judge just looks out of control, or abusive, of mentally ill, or needing to be put in his or her place.   Nobody wants a judge to think that of them.    A person can completely loose the sympathy of the judge. Then, even if there is no evidence of misbehavior before the court, the judge believe that party cannot behave and has poor judgment.  The judge can base the decision on the evidence of the person’s behaviour in the courtroom rather than the evidence that person planned to put before the court. If you do not like the decision, talk to lawyer.  Find out what your options are.  Take the appropriate legal steps to right a mistake.  But confronting a judge never works out well. 

To avoid these, and other problems, you need to understand what you are doing in Family Court.

Solution: Get Help With Your Family Court Case

Family Court can be complicated with lots of pitfalls and dangerous paths. Doing the wrong thing can have horrendous consequences. Unfortunately, a Family Court Judge’s decision can affect the rest of your life – and the life of your children.  Before you go to Family Court, read this $9.99 eBook on Ontario Family Law (paperback also available).  It explains the Family Court process in detail. It also explains the most important parts of Ontario Family Law so you know what to expect and do not make a fool of yourself in front of. judge.

To get the best advice, specific to your situation, you should speak to a family lawyer. Certified Specialist in Family Law, John Schuman, is known for his concern for children in separation and divorce and has won many parenting cases. To contact John call 647-342-6774, email him, or fill out the form below. You can use the same form to comment on this page.